


Is a Cucumber a Fruit?

by NotSteve



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: AU, Bananas, Cucumbers, F/M, JB Week, idk how to tag this, im never on this website so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 12:44:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8144491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSteve/pseuds/NotSteve
Summary: Brienne is feeling a bit nervous about her first night with Jaime, so of course she calls up Margaery to help soothe her worries. Brienne doesn't know what to expect, and maybe she was right to be worried. (Just a short funny fic, in honor of jb week.)





	

Brienne's face warmed when Margaery pulled out the banana. She thought she might faint when Margaery held up the condom. This was, indeed, a very bad idea.

"Now listen carefully," Margaery said. "You put the condom in your mou—"

"This was a mistake!"

"Nonsense. You'll get it," she said. "Just takes some practice, that's all. Here why don't you try." 

She handed Brienne the banana and the condom. "No, I mean..." She stared at the banana, her face becoming redder with each passing moment.

Margaery's eyes went wide, as if she understood. "Oh! Of course. Brienne, I'm so sorry," she said. For a moment, Brienne looked relieved. But only for a moment. She took the banana from Brienne and placed it in the box full of sex toys and strange fruits. "This might be a better fit," she said, handing Brienne a cucumber. 

"No!" Brienne threw the cucumber far from her.

"Well, I have a pear... Does that suit him better...?" Margaery looked confused and this made Brienne even more embarrassed.

"No!"

"No?"

"No fruits," Brienne said.

"Is a cucumber a fruit? I can't recall," Margaery said. She stopped for a moment, pondering over this serious question. She then went back to her box and pulled out a book. "So you're not into the fruit thing," she said. "That's okay. We'll go straight to sex positions. Have you heard of the Standing Wheel Barrow?"

"Please leave."

"Pardon?"

Brienne grabbed the box that held the unspeakable objects and threw it out her door. Margaery quickly ran after it. Brienne made sure to double lock the door.

She'll have to wing tonight, Brienne supposes.

 

\-----  
The next morning, Brienne wakes with a smile on her face. Jaime is kissing her neck, which he's done so many time before. But doing it in her bed, naked, makes it feel a whole lot better.  
He stops, she notices. And, if she's being honest, it's a bit disappointing. Not only does he stop, he sits up. He's looking at an object of some sort on the other side of her room.

"What?" She asks. She looks where he is looking. She sees nothing, just some silly object.

"Is that a cucumber?"

**Author's Note:**

> I would've written a sex scene, but I ain't good at sex scenes. Honestly, if you wanna redo this and make it better (Because it has so much potential, man!) feel free to do it. Write smut, do something with that cucumber, I don't care.


End file.
